my favorite weapon

a look into my past

come out of the darkness
step into the light,       its your moment to shine

looking at your fears while laughing
       on the days when you wanted to exit stage left

making your way through the swamp
over the mountain
       across an ocean of thoughts
into a channel
       connected to repressed dreams

how does it feel?

aligning with the real you
still under construction

chaotic, misunderstood, gorgeous, free
       during this marathon we call life

I have reached another check point
at the stop they call growth
a purgatory
offering workshops

on regret, love, pain and success
each soul attending goes at their own pace

remembering to keep on their blinders
not comparing their project to another
for this is the thief of joy
       distractions built custom only to your specific design
but you've met these criminals before
conquered them
with the weapons sharpened from battles already won.

This poem is a reference to when I lived in upstate New York back in 2016. During that time I went through many trials, the main one being sobriety. The photos were taken for homework while attending SUNY ACC. I was new to photography and focused on pictures that told a story.

With any medium I use, there are feelings and ideas that I’m attempting to show. At the same time, I ask people what images and thoughts come to their mind when consuming my work.

The first form of art I gravitated towards as a child was drawing. As the years passed I started to experiment with other mediums looking for myself and practicing my craft. If I had only known what I do today, I would tell younger me that your best work will come from complete vulnerability. When you draw, cover the canvas with your emotions, when you write become honest with your audience, when you practice photography take pictures that reflect exactly what your feeling and never hold back. During these years, my mind was focused more on impressing my teachers and peers.

This is what growing is for. Hindsight will always be 20/20 and right now I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything because it broke me completely. I had no choice but to keep struggling and build myself back up.

This wouldn’t be the last time I faced my tower falling and looking back it fell because of the blind choices I made. I was in my early twenties so I’ll always give myself a break. I simply didn’t know any better.

I acquired new skills, coping mechanisms, and ways I could defend myself against myself. You must understand a young gay black kid in the actual sticks stands out everywhere he goes, so on top of staying sober I dealt with discrimination many times. I do not know how but I made a lot of friends up there. I stayed sober until the very end of my stay and had amazing times. Even to this day, sometimes the old me likes to whisper of the colorful nostalgia I used to participate in. Luring me to make the same mistakes I made all those years ago. Telling me that the cycle of destruction wasn’t so bad.

Now I have the weapons to put those ghosts in check and continue on my way.